


Coward

by EddieSasspbrak



Series: I'd rearrange the alphabet to put U and I together [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Deadlights kiss, Eddie killed It, Fix-It, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Stan is still dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22879123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EddieSasspbrak/pseuds/EddieSasspbrak
Summary: “You’re braver than you think.” That’s what Richie said, but he didn’t feel brave. He'd fought a killer clown, twice but he can't summon the courage to tell his best friend that he loves him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: I'd rearrange the alphabet to put U and I together [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613245
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80





	Coward

Bravery. All of Eddie’s friends said he had it in him. That he was one of the bravest people they knew. He’d hunted down and defeated a killer clown with the rest of them, faced his fears to do it. He stood up to his mom when his friends were in trouble and refused to take the sugar pills she fed him after everything. Even though he was disgusted by blood and getting any blood borne pathogens from contamination, he still helped to clean up Bev’s bathroom with the others. He jumped from a cliff into the freezing dirty water below. All of that should have made him feel brave. But it didn’t. Maybe braver than before, but he still felt like a coward.

There were many things he wanted to do but was too afraid to try. Often, he’d watch Bev and Richie smoke and the desire to ask for one would come creeping up his throat only to die on his tongue without being spoken. He’d sit on the curb while Mike and Bill messed around on skateboards in the street, wanting to get up and join them. He wanted to learn and fall down and scrape his knee and not have it be a big deal. He wanted to grab Richie Tozier by the ears and kiss him until his face turned blue and his lips were swollen. But boys didn’t kiss boys. Not in Derry.

Years passed and one by one everyone left Derry behind and forgot. Eddie forgot what little bravery he had, and everything seemed to go back to the way it was before. Of course, he didn’t know that. Not until he was on a plane headed back to Maine. Everything came back a little at a time. Friends whose faces he couldn’t quite see. Seven of them who made his heart swell with love, unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time in some distant part of his brain. It wasn’t until he was at the restaurant, staring at their faces that he remembered them. Mike and Bill, Ben and Bev…Richie. Part of him knew that Richie was special he just wasn’t sure why.

They seemed to fall into their old habits, interacting as if no time had passed. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten all of the most important people in his life. As they talked, more memories rose to the surface, Stan, the clown, that summer of fighting together. After the initial panic and the knowledge that Stan was dead washed over them, Eddie used his time alone to remember. He couldn’t control what came back to him, but he chased anything that could tell him why Richie was different from the others. He was ready to leave with him though, not even thinking about the implication that he’d forget all over again.

It was in the club house that it hit him, knocking the breath from his lungs and bringing a flush to his face. He loved him. He’d always loved him and never done anything about it because he was afraid. The memories overtook him then. Every moment together with the other man wishing he could tell him how he truly felt about him. He’d never worked up the courage to do it and lost his chance before forgetting entirely for twenty-seven years. He could easily let this second chance slip through is fingers again. He was married after all. To a woman. A woman he realized that he never actually loved. Not like that anyway. He still loved Richie, but he was still a coward.

He almost let Richie die as he stood helplessly in the corner, just watching until their friends saved him instead. He’d almost lost the love of his life and best friend all because he was too afraid. He hadn’t even snapped out of it until Bill had yelled at him for it. When Bev was pulled underwater, he was the only one not to jump in after her. He was the only one too afraid to swim in dirty water and fight a monster to save his friend. He just stood and watched helplessly, telling himself that the wound in his cheek could become infected if he dove in. It was an excuse.

“You’re braver than you think.” That’s what Richie said, but he didn’t feel brave.

Sure, he’d faced the leper in the pharmacy, tried to strangle him and win, but he’d failed at that too. For a moment he felt brave when he stabbed Bowers with his own knife, but that action had been spurred on by fear. He knew that if he didn’t do something, Bowers would kill him there in the bathtub. It was survival instinct. When the ritual failed, he stayed by Richie’s side. If there was one thing he was going to do, one feat of bravery, it was going to be protecting Richie. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice and watch Richie die. With the old rusty fence post in hand, he followed Richie to the doors, stood by his side as they opened them and faced the horrors beyond. For Richie he could be brave, that’s what he kept telling himself.

When Pennywise had Mike in his grasp, ready to kill him, he watched helplessly but Richie didn’t. Richie put himself in danger to save him. What he hoped to accomplish by calling It names and throwing rocks at It, he didn’t know. But he didn’t think that far because all he wanted to do was keep his friend from dying. So, when he turned on Richie, trapping him in the deadlights, something welled up within Eddie. Clasping the fence post tightly, he told himself that it could kill monsters as long as he believed. And he believed because he had to. He had to believe to save his friends. To save Richie. And so, he threw it with all of his strength, feeling for the first time like he truly was brave.

He watched as Pennywise fell backward, skewering himself on the jagged rocks behind him, before he ran to Richie’s side. His eyes were white, his mouth hanging open, blood dripping from his nose. Eddie lightly slapped his cheek, trying to rouse him from the trance. Nothing happened and fear gripped at Eddie as he worried he’d be stuck like this forever. But he couldn’t be. Bev had been trapped in the deadlights once before and she’d woken up. Because Ben had kissed her.

Eddie chased the feeling of bravery he’d felt and, holding Richie’s face between his hands, he pressed their lips together. It was strange, stubble rubbing against his chin a new sensation. He could taste Richie’s blood but didn’t care. He didn’t care because it was Richie and he’d wanted to do this his whole life. When he pulled away, Richie gasped for air and sat up quickly, groaning with the effort.

“Eddie.” Richie said, staring at his friend who’d just saved his life.

“There he is.” Eddie smiled. “I did it Rich. I killed It.”

They both looked back, and sure enough, the big monster that was the clown that haunted their nightmares, was hanging limp, slowly shriveling up. The deadlights were fading and the earth beneath them began to rumble. The others ran to them and Eddie and Ben helped Richie to his feet. Together, they all ran through the tunnels, out through the Neibolt house until they were exiting into the cool night air. The six of them stood, watching the house cave in on itself.

“You did it, Eds.” Mike’s grin was huge as he slapped a hand down on Eddie’s shoulder before pulling him into a rib cracking hug.

One by one they all joined in, until it became a group hug. With It finally defeated for good, they had to figure out their new normal. Bev was going to get a divorce; of that she was certain. Ben had always been in love with her and it seemed she’d finally realized, ready to give him a chance. Mike planned to go home with Bill for a while. There was no reason for him to stay in Derry now and he thought he could use some sunshine. As they sat in the townhouse, all freshly showered and waiting for the sun to come up, they each talked about what would come next. All except Eddie.

He knew he needed to divorce Myra. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he also didn’t want to be with her. Especially now that he’d remembered what it felt like to really love someone. He’d kissed Richie but he didn’t know if he remembered. He’d been in the deadlight trance and had been disoriented when he woke. Eddie sure as hell wasn’t about to confess his thirty-year crush in front of all the others. It wasn’t until everyone began to split off to get some rest, that Eddie pulled Richie aside.

Staring up at him, mouth opened ready to speak with no words coming out, he caught sight of his lips. Remembered the way they felt. Unable to find his voice, he did the next best thing. The thing he’d wanted to do since he was thirteen. He grabbed Richie by the ears, stood on his toes and pulled him down until their lips crashed together. Eddie waited for a negative reaction. To be pushed away, maybe hit, yelled at. Nothing like that came. Instead, Richie’s hands were snaking around to his back, pulling him closer, his lips parting at the same time.

Forty-year-old Eddie Kaspbrak had never been kissed in a way that made his toes curl, until today. His mind went blank, his focus on the feel of his lips and tongue and his hands pressing into his skin hard enough to bruise. He’d imagined this a hundred times and that was just since getting his memories back. The Neibolt kiss had been necessary but not at all passionate or with feeling. This was closer to what he thought it would be like, only so, so much better. If he’d known kissing Richie would be like this, he would have done it years ago.

Eddie tapped out when he could no longer breathe from Richie’s mouth. Even still they held one another close, unwilling to let go. Unspoken words hung between them though neither quite knew what to say. Eddie knew that there was some dumbass remark brewing in Richie’s head as he came back down from the high. He decided to beat him to the punch.

“I knew your mouth was good for something.” Eddie said with a look somewhere between a smile and a smirk.

Richie laughed, tilting his head back as he did so. His cheeks were flushed, his lips slick with combined saliva and Eddie felt like he was falling in love all over again. When Richie calmed and looked back into Eddie’s eyes, there was something there he couldn’t quite place. It was a look he knew, the same look Richie used to give him when they were young, but he’d never understood. Part of him thought he might finally understand what emotion was hidden in that look, but he wouldn’t know until he said so himself.

“I love you.” Eddie’s expression must have mirrored Richie’s as he wasn’t even sure if the words had come from his own lips. But they had. Somewhere within him, that bravery was rising and spilling out of him before he could contain it. So, he gave in. “I’m filing for divorce. I want to be with you, Rich.”

“I’m a homewrecker.” Richie grinned.

“Completely.”

“I love you too, Eds. Always have.”

It took fighting a killer clown, twice, forgetting his childhood and friends for 27 years and a loveless marriage for Eddie to get to this point. It was terrifying and some of the hardest things he’d had to face in his life, but it worth it. Finally reaching Richie made it all worth wile. “You’re braver than you think.” He’d said, and he was right. For the first time in his life, he truly felt brave.

**Author's Note:**

> The original title was "Courage" but I thought "Coward" worked better.  
> Also on tumblr at EddieSasspbrak


End file.
